Gym–or House of Horrors?

September 30, 2009

Bunny seems to be on the mend from her latest attempt to avoid going to the gym bout with the flu.  Clearly we’re going to have to extend our get-to-the-gym-or-else deadline.

Bunny’s husband, Buff, goes to the gym when he has the flu. He swears it makes him feel better. Buff doesn’t miss the gym for anything. There’s a certain level of addiction there.

These people have issues.

Let’s face it–who doesn’t?

So let’s spend a minute considering why Bunny hates going to the gym.

It requires organization, especially if you have a job. If you go on the way to or from work, you have to figure out what to do with your clothes. If you’re a girl, you have to take makeup and goop with which to make your hair all nice and fluffy (or straight or spiked, or whatever you do with it). You must remember your gym card, your bag, your water, your iPod and your headphones. You must figure out how and when to squeeze the visit in to your day, especially if you’re attending a class. You may have to plan to get up early, in which case, how does breakfast fit in? And coffee? So many considerations. Clearly, going to the gym is an organizational nightmare.

You have to wear gym clothes in front of people. That’s great if you’re a size 6. Not the case here. Oh, and shower in front of perky young women who go to the gym every day? With this body? I don’t THINK so. (It’s a fact, you know, that everyone else in the gym with you comes every single day. You’re the only slacker.)They're laughing at Bunny!!!

And what about those other people? What does that ridiculously buff chick on the next treadmill who’s running 400 mph at maximum elevation think about your 2.8 mph at elevation 1? She’s burning 94,000 calories a second while it takes you 20 minutes to burn 100.  Is she mocking you? Is she wondering why you’re bothering? Does she think you’re going to fall off the treadmill? These possibilities are quite stressful.

What to do when you get there? A class is not a great choice because it’s hard to stop in the middle. Machines are good because you can completely control your activity level, and whenever you want you can pretend that you’ve completed an exhaustive workout. But make sure to watch the people who were there when you sat down. You can always pretend that your 10 minutes on the treadmill were just the warm-up for your “real” exercise program. Just say something to yourself (but loud enough to be heard) along the lines of, “Ah, that’s a great start. On to the elliptical!” Then walk in the general direction of the ellipticals. If you’re afraid they’re still watching, mumble something about going to the restroom, walk that way, then run toward the exit. They’ll never be the wiser!

And the worst is Buff’s friends. He’s there every morning. He teaches classes there. He practically owns the place! They’re there every morning. They all know Bunny, and they’re all very nice people. But if she’s in the gym, it’s a major event. “Hey, look, Bunny’s in the gym! It must be a blue moon! Buff’s tubby wife actually got her butt to the gym! Wow!” It’s a bigger deal than when Britney shows up. Last time she was there in the morning, about 5 of them commented that she looked like she was treadmilling in her sleep.

Great way to fade into the wordwork.Embarassed

OK, so we’ve confirmed that Bunny has issues. She’s disorganized, embarrassed and intimidated. Maybe a bit lazy. And possibly paranoid, but we’re not mental health professionals.

How do we fight all that?

The funny thing is, she knows very well that when she does go, she feels great about it. It helps with her diet, because she doesn’t want to blow the effort on unnecessary calories. She feels productive. She feels healthier. She feels, yes, good about herself!

So why does she fight it like a mama bear defending her cub from a  mountain lion?

We have no idea.

Do you?

We’re not sure how she pulled it off, but Bunny has the flu.

We’re certain that this is an elaborate device to wiggle out of our get-to-The-Damned-Gym-by-Wednesday-or-else ultimatum.

She’s managed to cook up a 102F temperature. We saw the thermometer. She’s not holding it up to the light like that kid in ET, either. Her eyes are all puffy and drippy, she’s got the congestion thing. and she sounds like a cross between Tallulah Bankhead and Kathleen Turner. There’s clear evidence that her normal bodily functions are not functioning normally.

This reminds us of the time when Bunny and Buff were vacationing with her parents.  (They used to do that, isn’t that nice? now, sadly, Mom and Dad are too old.) Buff wanted to go to Hawaii, but Bunny, Mom and Dad pushed for Bermuda. They flew to DC, then went to board a flight to Bermuda.Flu

There was a hurricane between the mainland and Bermuda.

The fight was cancelled.

They stayed in a hotel and tried again the next day.

Hurricane.

No go.

Guess where they ended up?

Hawaii. Where Buff wanted to go all along.

How did he do that?

To this day, we’re certain that Buff caused that hurricane. And now Bunny comes up with the flu just to keep from going to the gym.

You people are tricky, but you’re not fooling us. I’m just saying.

Trick or not, get well soon, Bunny. Take aspirin and hydrate. Maybe you’ll even lose a pound or two.

That would be fantastic!!!

The Damned Gym

September 25, 2009

Bunny, we need your full and complete attention.

You need to get to The Damned Gym. You’re making good food choices and healthy decisions and all that crap those good things, but frankly, the cold hard fact is that we don’t see any visual evidence that your numbers are falling.

You need to exercise. Burn more than you consume. Remember, you agreed that 30 minutes three times a week was entirely doable. And yet, you’re still hanging on for dear life to every freaking conceivable excuse known to man or woman to stay away from The Damned Gym.

Stop fighting it!

It’s a GOOD thing!

You actually feel BETTER about yourself when you go!Working Out

It’s a nice place. 

They have electricity and running water now.

They changed the carpeting.

They’ve updated the lockers.

Hell, they put TVs on the treadmills and bikes, and you can control the channel!

There’s a view of the flipping ocean!

What the hell else do you want???

Do you know that if you divide your membership fee by the number of visits, each trip to The Damned Gym costs you $84???

So let’s lower the bar. One trip per week. 30 minutes. In The Damned Gym. Every week. Once. 30 minutes. A tiny little half hour. 6 consecutive groups of 5 minutes. 6 songs on your iPod. Then you can run for the hills for 6 whole days.

Do we need to rehash the obvious? Again? Really? Fine.  Among about 4,678 other things, it will:

  • make you healthier
  • increase your stamina (which by the way is kind of pathetic, from what we’ve observed)
  • help you fit into those clothes you want to wear
  • MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER!

How about this one:  The nice people who are reading this blog deserve to see results!!!

We’re done pussy-footing around, Missy. You have until next Wednesday to get your butt into The Damned Gym. That’s almost a whole week. Figure it out!

AND DON’T FORGET TO WEIGH YOURSELF!!!

Sheesh.

Bunny spent this weekend doing a sports marathon.  Three games in 24 hours, and air travel was involved, as were two half-day drives. This means trouble in four forms:

Airline Food:  This is never very appealing, but it actually helped Bunny’s cause that airlines have cheaped out changed their policies and no longer feed you unless you purchase one of their glorious little snacky-packs. This flight didn’t even pass peanuts. So Bunny did no damage with a cup of coffee and a glass of orange juice. She also passed on her old habit of hitting the airport Starbucks for a latte and a muffin. Perfect!

Stadium Food: Stadium munchies are not much to Bunny’s liking. Hot dogs gross her out (she keeps thinking about an article she read about all the yucky pig parts that go into weinie manufacturing). She can pass on stale popcorn, even with Buff munching it next to her. Nachos slathered with pseudo-cheesy goo and dotted with jalapenos? No thanks. She went with a stale pretzel at games 1 and 2, and a strawberry margarita at game 3. Not terrible, and we’ll forgive one margarita on a special occasion.


Stadium Food

Fast Food:  Bathroom stops on long drives inevitably occur at fast-food restaurants. You can normally rely on the major fast-food chains to have reasonably clean restrooms. Of course, they also have fries, chocolate shakes, cute little pie-like things, cookies and sundaes. While Buff picked up burgers and fries, Bunny stuck with Diet Coke (and she only stole 3 fries, honest). Hard to argue with zero calories.

General Munchies:  The last challenge is the munchies in the car and the hotel room. Buff likes to buy bags of pretzels, and those animal-shaped cookies covered with white frosting.  Those are tempting when all you’ve had is a stale stadium pretzel and about 17 gallons of Diet Coke. Bunny dipped into these, but didn’t go crazy.

All in all, Bunny did as well as could be expected. Nothing close to a healthy meal, but every step of the way she assessed her options and did the best she could. 

And now that she’s back, she’s going to start hitting the gym three times a week.

Right, Bunny?

Bunny?

Dammit!

A Picture Is Worth 100 Lbs.

September 18, 2009

Bunny will do just about anything to avoid a camera. This is because, invariably, she feels she looks terrible in pictures. She is always shocked by how horribly fat she looks in photos.

It’s an interesting phenomenon that she doesn’t feel this way when looking in the mirror. She’s usually OK with her reflection. Or at least not horrified.Mirror

Is this a trick her mind plays? If so, why doesn’t her mind play the same game with photos as it does with the mirror?

She has the same experience with other people. Someone will say, “Oh my God, look how much weight Jack has lost!” She has seen Jack, but really doesn’t see a difference. This is a curiosity that happens all the time to Bunny.

We’ve poked around the internet to see what we can find on this topic, but strangely, we haven’t found anything on point yet. We haven’t given up. If anyone has any thoughts on this, please share.

Of course, there’s an easy solution. Drop enough weight that Bunny looks good in photos as well as in the mirror. At that point, who cares what the reason is.

On that subject, Bunny, we haven’t seen you at the gym this week.

Bunny?

Excuse us.

Carrots in the Closet

September 14, 2009

Bunny wears a very small percentage of the clothes in her closet, because most of them don’t fit anymore. She doesn’t feel quite right about clearing it out and donating most of  the clothes to GoodWill, because she’s sure she’s going to lose the weight…some time…and she will need all those clothes.  Bunny is not alone. We’re sure there are hundreds of thousands of closets across the globe that are in this same condition.

Well, Bunny’s right, she is going to need at least some of those clothes, because she’s going to lose the weight this time.

RIGHT, BUNNY????

That’s what we thought.Closet

We asked Bunny to pick out a few items of clothes that she especially likes. Things that she looks at and thinks, oh, I wish I could fit into that.  She chose 5 blouses and 2 skirts. She tried them all on, and we ranked them in order of how they fit. What we’re looking for is an item of clothing that Bunny will be able to fit into in the not-too-distant future. Something tangible for her to shoot for. Something that will make her feel good about her progress. Something we can dangle in front of her like a carrot. (What bunny doesn’t like carrots?)

Oh, brother. She’s not going to fit into these things for months.

The first one on the list is a blue and black striped blouse. The good news is that she can button all the buttons. The bad news is that it looks like it’s buttoned around a sack of potatoes. We took pictures. She made us delete them. Bunny’s spare tire above her waist is going to have to go going to have to lose a little more weight before she’ll be wearing this blouse in public.

We’re going to ask Bunny to model this blouse every month. One of these days, it’s going to fit. That will be a significant milestone, a Gold Star, and we’re going to Par-Tay!!!!

And then we’ll choose the next item on the list, and so on, and so on, until Bunny fits into all the clothes in her closet. 

Even the yellow pants.

More on those later.

The Monster Awakes

September 14, 2009

We haven’t bothered Bunny much in the past few days. She’s doing well, making good choices, and so we thought we’d give her a break.Food Monster

Big mistake.

She’s having a shake every morning, despite her decision to mix it up with cereal and blueberries.  The day she had the cereal she had noticeable shrinkage in her midsection.

Last night, Bunny had her hand in her husband’s raspberry-covered yogurt pretzels from Henry’s market.  A few yogurt pretzels aren’t going to hurt her, but she took two, then went back later for 2 more, then again, then…

WARNING! MINDLESS EATING ALERT!!!

Next problem:  Bunny’s husband Buff kindly went to Costco and bought her some popcorn. She has been buying the microwave bag that’s 96% fat free–the one Weight Watchers recommends (what a great excuse to eat something!)  Buff, however, picked up Orville Reddenbacher Movie Theater Butter popcorn instead. What to do?

  1. Thank Buff for getting the popcorn, but explain that it was the wrong kind, and she didn’t want to eat it because it was a lot more fattening. He would have understood that. He struggles with weight, too. That’s the correct answer.
  2. Open the box and start on the first of the 32 bags, look past the fact that the bags are actually greasy because the butter  has soaked through the paper, ignore your rational instinct to check the calories and fat content, and remember to remind Buff to get the other kind next time.

#1 is the correct answer, the rational choice. Bunny went with #2.

Three days and three bags of popcorn later, Bunny is wondering why her shrinkage seems to have backtracked at bit. Alright, let’s stop this right now by applying a few harsh but pertinent facts:

There are 2.5 servings in a one bag of Orville Reddenbacher Movie Theater Butter microwave popcorn. (How stupid is that, by the way? Of course Bunny eats the whole bag.) Each serving is 18G of fat and 170 calories. Times 2.5.  425 calories and 45 grams of fat.

Excuse us while we take that box of popcorn to Bunny’s car so she can leave it in the lunch room for all the skinny people to enjoy.

This is the ugly snarling food-eating monster waking up from her nap. This is how it starts. Before Bunny knows what hits her, she’s running to the market for a giant muffin as soon as she gets to work, having fries with her grilled chicken sandwich for lunch, making excuses to visit her assistant’s office so she can sneak 5 or 6 Hershey’s Kisses out of the candy jar, and wondering what’s for dessert.

MINDLESS EATING.

It seems that Bunny benefits from having us breathe down her neck and peek around the corner at every move she makes.

No problem.  We’re on it.