So Bunny’s new diet is boring.

NutritionistThe last time Bunny lost a bunch of weight on a low-carb diet, there was a set of rules she understood and mostly followed. (Anyway, she followed enough of them that she got into a size 8.) Now that the Carb-Hating Doctor has brought Nancy Nutrition on the scene, there are more rules. New rules. The playing field has changed. Notable among these news rules are:

Limited proteins:Bacon, cheese, and beef are limited to three times a week. Total, not each.

Bacon and Eggs

What this means to Bunny is that if she puts cheese in an omelette and has a side of bacon with it (not a whole side, that’s half a pig…what we mean is a side order, 3 or 4 slices), anyway, if she does that, then she has trashed her limited proteins for the week and only has one left. Bunny doesn’t like this. She likes to have cheese sticks as snacks, and to sprinkle queso on her chicken-fajitas-no-tortilla-rice-or-beans (essentially a sizzling plate of grilled chicken with a little guacamole and salsa for your dipping pleasure) at the cantina across the street. 

Net Carbs: You know those low-carb candy things they used to sell all over the place until the Carb Fad ended a few years ago? Well, those were helpful in Bunny’s weight loss. She only had 25 carbs allowed each day on that last diet, but because those goodies were made with sugar alcohol, you were allowed to subtract the sugar alcohol carbs, AND the fiber carbs. (Why? We have absolutely no idea. Bunny failed chemistry, and so did we.) So, a snack that was 18 carbs went down to 3 net carbs. Bunny counted it as 3, and all was well. Size 8.

Well, Nancy Nutrition has called a halt to that, and net carbs are a no-go on the new diet. Count the carbs, not the net carbs. Net carbs are for diabetics, she said, and have nothing to do with weight loss.

Oh, poo.Tomato

Tomatoes: On that last diet, the Carb-Hating Doctor let her eat tomatoes, she just said to watch it because they’re carby. Bunny happily munched her favorite snack, and it was ok. Now Nancy Nutrition says NO TOMATOES. EVER. THEY ARE A FRUIT. NONE. ZERO. ZIP.

So there are the new rules. Bunny liked the old rules better. She lost weight with the old rules. Why are we adding new ones when the old ones worked? (Did we mention, Size 8?)

On her last visit with Nancy Nutrition, Bunny hadn’t lost much weight. Two pounds in a month (a pound  a week is what her dietary supervisors are insisting on hoping for). Nancy tried to figure out why her weight loss was slow, and Bunny ended up whining about all of the above, tossing in an extra whine about how drab her morning shake is without a banana.

Nancy Nutrition said:  OK, this isn’t going to work if you’re miserable, and nothing made by Mother Nature is going to make you fat. So let’s make a deal. Eat tomatoes, cheese, bananas, as you like. Don’t go overboard, though. Make healthy choices every time. Let’s see how you do. If you can still lose weight while adding in these foods, it’s OK with me. Just keep a food log so I can see what you’re doing.

You’ve got it, Nancy!! Let’s go!!!!!!!!

Oh, boy. Bunny’s REALLY got to lose weight now. We can just hear Nancy Nutrition’s I-told-you-so-now-stop-whining-and-go-back-to-doing-it-my-way speech.

Hello, tomatoes! Bunny’s missed you!

As Bunny was munching her kale chips

which, by the way, she has had only twice, because it turns out that it’s nearly impossible to find kale in the market, let alone kale that isn’t 90% stalk (stalks, you should know, are utterly useless for kale-chipping purposes)–but we digress…

CookieAs Bunny was munching her kale chips, a news story caught her eye.

The Girl Scouts have introduced a new cookie! Just in time for Bunny’s low-carb diet!

Savannah Smiles! 

How cute is that?

Maybe, she thought, they’re some awful flavor, like liver or castor oil or grapefruit or cat food, and not tempting at all. That’d be great!

No such luck. The article revealed that they’re little wedges, filled with a blast of lemony goodness.

Oh no…………….

Bunny loves lemon.

Bunny loves Girl Scout Cookies. Bunny wants Savannah Smiles. And now that the subject has come up, she is thinking about her lifelong friend Thin Mints. Ooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh….

This, of course, is a classic example of the power of suggestion. Bunny hasn’t thought about Girl Scout cookies in six months, but now, they’re number two with a bullet on her list of banned but intensely desired munchies.

As you might expect, the mean Carb-Hating Doctor’s hideously boring highly restrictive diet strictly forbids lemon, sugar, cookies and all things even remotely yummy.

What the heck, let’s look at the label, just for kicks:

There are 140 calories and 23 carbs in 5 cookies. That’s about 4 carbs per cookie.

Gosh. That’s worth thinking about.

Let’s see. Bunny gets 25 carbs every day. If she ate 5 cookies and nothing else for the rest of the day, she’d be good.

Right?

Oh, okay, we know, that’s cheating. But it’s fun to think about.

Sorry, Savannah Smiles. Not this year. You either, Thin Mints.

Bunny loves you, though.

Kale Chips???

December 19, 2011

Bunny met with Nancy Nutrition today.

To review, Nancy is the Carb-Hating Doctor’s co-conspirator in Bunny’s strictly-supervised weight-loss program.

She asked how Bunny was doing with her new low-carb diet. Bunny reported that she was bored to tears doing pretty well, but complained loudly that she was admitted to being a tad frustrated with the lack of choices.

Nancy made some suggestions.

Bunny, do you like potato chips?

Duh.

OK, good, I have a zero-carb option for you that you can make at home. It’s super easy.

OK. What is it?

Kale chips.

WHO chips??

Kale.

What color is that?

Kale is that green stuff they put along the edges of the salad bar. 

Oh. Yum.

Zero carbs, AND it’s a Superfood! It tastes like popcorn.

Popcorn

Bunny was skeptical, but Nancy Nutrition asked her to trust her. She handed her the recipe and asked her to promise to go home and make kale chips.

Bunny, a woman of her word, went home after a stop at the market, where she had to ask for help from the Nice Produce Man, who had to go into the back room to find kale.

So here’s how to make kale chips (since we know you’ve been waiting with bated breath):

You spray olive oil on a cookie sheet. Then you tear off pieces of kale, and arrange them on aforementioned cookie sheet. Sprinkle with sea salt, and bake at 350 for 5-10 minutes. Until brown.

Well, it never really got brown, and Bunny kind of overcooked it, and it did fill the kitchen with a definite kale-y aroma, but here they are. Kale chips.

Kale Chips

mmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!

So how are they, Bunny?

Well, they’re not terrible at all. They’re weird, but OK. Kind of papery when you spatula them off the cookie sheet, and when you pop them into your mouth, the texture IS kind of popcorny, but do they taste like popcorn? Yeah, no. They have a strong, sort of  bitter flavor, but strangely, it’s not unpleasant. They’re a far cry from those nice Lay’s Classics, and they’re actually pretty ugly, not cute like potato chips. But they’re easy to make and when they cool off they are quite crunchy. They’ll do in a pinch. I put too much salt an them, though, and I burned them a bit.

Want some?

Um…..no thanks, Bunny.

Update: Bunny didn’t lose any weight this time, but she didn’t gain any, so her total loss stands at 14 pounds.

The Gory Details

December 12, 2011

So this new low-carb diet Bunny is on restricts her to no more than 25 carbs a day. No rice, no pasta, no bread, no dairy, no fruit, no sugar, no dessert, no fun.

And no tomatoes. Yet. They’ll let Bunny have tomatoes back (on a limited basis) in a month or so, if she’s losing weight. (And she’d better be.)

Yes, they’re using tomatoes (Bunny’s favorite food) as a carrot. (What a rotten thing to do to a bunny.)

Let us explain who “they” is. (Or is it “are”?)

“They” #1 is the Carb-Hating Doctor. “They” #2, her co-conspirator companion in this weight-loss program, is Nancy Nutritionist.

The Dreaded Weigh-In!

Bunny goes to the doctor’s office every 10 days,  rain or shine. One time she sees Nancy. Next time, she sees the Doctor. Next, she just sees the nurse for the dreaded weigh-in. 1,2,3, lather, rinse, repeat. This cycle will continue until Bunny’s buns are shrunk. (Or is it “shrunken”? Paging Grammar Girl, please pick up the white courtesy telephone…)

The Doctor wants Bunny under her thumb. A weigh-in every 10 days gives Bunny absolutely no room to stray, and that’s exactly the way the Doctor likes it. She’s evil a smart Doctor.

So Bunny is firmly entrenched under the Carb-Hating Doctor’s thumb, eating her 25 carbs a day and dreaming of tomatoes.

Since Bunny started this program, just over a month ago, she has gone on a cruise (with Trudy! They made up!), and has dealt with Thanksgiving. Even with these extreme food challenges…

Bunny has lost 14 pounds!

<pause for thunderous applause>

And the best part? Are you ready?

Bunny had to buy smaller jeans!

Applaud

Size 18! Her 20’s were falling off! What better evidence can there be that Bunny’s buns are shrinking?

Stay tuned!

Hi.

We’re back.

Did you miss us?

We took a break for a while.

We were kind of stuck. Bunny wasn’t losing weight, and when you’re writing a weight-loss blog, you eventually run out of content when nobody’s actually losing weight.

Plus–and please don’t be offended by this–we kind of felt like we were talking to the walls. We have lots of hits on our BunnyBlog every day, even while we were BunnyNapping, but very little feedback. So y’all are out there, and that’s fantastically awesome, but we sort of just kind of didn’t know whether you were coming because we were entertaining you, educating you, or if you just liked to look at the cute clipart.

So, we all needed a break.

But things have changed!

Bunny’s buns are shrinking!!!!

So here’s what happened. One day, Bunny went to her Bunnycologist, and the nurse took her blood pressure. It was high.

Uh-oh.

This scared Bunny, so she finally broke down and made an appointment with her regular doctor–you remember her, right? We call her the Carb-Hating Doctor. She’s a very good doctor, but she gives Bunny that withering look of abject disapproval, and she’s kind of scary.

Bunny had successfully avoided the Carb-Hating Doctor for some time. But now her blood pressure was worrisome, and she was just scared, so she bit the bullet and went to stand in front of the firing squad.

As she was waiting in the examination room for the Carb-Hating Doctor’s first appearance, she grabbed a flyer from the rack on the wall. It was about a weight-loss program the doctor was recommending. Bunny started to read it–not because she was really interested, but mostly because she knew the doctor would have already seen the results of her weigh-in, and Bunny hoped that if the doctor saw her reading this, maybe she wouldn’t kill her. Flyer as Shield–would it work?

It did, mostly. The Carb-Hating Doctor didn’t kill her. She did give her that withering look, though.

And Bunny was on the program before she left the office. 25 carbs a day maximum, no tomatoes or cheese for the first wave.

You may recall that tomatoes are Bunny’s favorite food. Ugh.

By the way, Bunny’s blood pressure was just fine, despite her Fear of Doctorly Disapproval and Not-Niceness. Apparently, that one elevated blood pressure reading was the Universe telling Bunny it was time to go to the doctor.

So here we go again.

Let’s get this party started!!!!

Bunny feels great!

She’s following her plan and counting her points and feeling successfulHappy

and productive

and hopeful

and excited

and wondering why she always forgets how good she feels when she’s NOT letting the mindless eating Monster lead her around by the nose.

She’s having baked chicken with veggies for dinner. She used to skip dinner half the time because it was too much trouble to cook something different for herself than for low-carb/no seasoning Buff. There’s no way she’s going to eat what he eats (plain burger patties, Campbell’s beef broth and a salad as big as a swimming pool), even though when she did that diet she lost a ton of weight. Bunny doesn’t want to give up fruit, and fruit has carbs, so there you go. And good luck finding a low-carb dessert (she ate enough sugar-free Jello to float Oasis of the Seas, thank you very much).

The problem she is having is that she is full after dinner, but she still has 6, 7 or 8 points to eat.  30 points a day is a LOT!

Lately, her solution has been Weight Watchers Chocolate Smoothie with nonfat milk and a tablespoon of peanut butter. Toss it in a blender with some ice to make it spoonable.  5 points, mmmm, we’re done, night-night.

We know she should work on eating more points earlier in the day, but right now she’s losing weight and feeling good, so we’re just hopping on the train, enjoying the ride and keeping our mouths shut.