Bunny the Gimp

October 30, 2009

Sorry we’ve been away for a bit. We’ve been on a cruise with Bunny and Buff! (You know how they say you can get internet access on a cruise ship? Don’t buy it. It’s crazy expensive and slower than Bunny running a marathon.) Great cruise, but we’re happy to be back home with our cable modem!Cruise

We had big plans to post articles while we were sailing, telling you all about Bunny’s good food choices, the exercise classes we dragged her to she took, all the walking and swimming she did, and how much weight she was losing despite the fact that she was living on a floating buffet table. We had it all planned out. We were going to work that girl ragged!

And then, it happened.

The day we sailed, before we hopped in the cab to go board the cruise ship, Bunny was feeling great. She was excited about her vacation, and ready to go. She was doing her morning ritual, and while she was leaning over the sink washing her face . . .

A Ninja jumped out of the shower and plunged his sword into her back!!!!

Can you believe it????

Well, actually, she pulled a muscle in her lower back, and did it so effectively that for the next two days she felt as though a sword had been plunged into her back. She couldn’t stand up straight, and could only walk tilted forward and severely to her right, with an occasional scream as the sword shifted position.

She was a hot mess!

Down the drain went our plans to get her to the gym. She couldn’t even walk up and down stairs for the first four days. She got better by the end of the cruise, but no gym for Bunny. She wasn’t bad about her food choices, but she did have wine with dinner and a couple of Bunny Coladas, so we’re quite sure she left the ship with more than she had when she came aboard.

Here’s what’s really irritating. This woman would not have pulled a muscle in the course of a simple, everyday activity like washing her face if she had been exercising and stretching her muscles as a matter of routine.

We told you so!!!!

We have to get this woman to start losing weight and exercising. So far, things are moving kind of slowly.

So here’s our new plan:

Weight Watchers.

Good old-fashioned Weight Watchers, classes and all. None of that online stuff, either. Online means you answer to no one but yourself, and Bunny needs accountability. And a scale. And maybe some chains and a muzzle.

By gosh, we’re going to get results if it kills her!

Boo!

October 24, 2009

Halloween is coming.Want to see something really frightening? Trick or TreatTake a look at this.

This horrible little calculator was brought to our attention by our friends at CrankyFitness.com. You should read the article; it’s a hoot. But this calculator is just slightly less frightening than your favorite scary movie.

It calculates how much walking you would have to do if you indulged in various Halloween treats.

Two lousy little teeny-weeny Hershey’s Kisses, and we have to walk FOR HALF A MILE?

ARE THEY KIDDING???

This is just awful. Bunny is so upset. Who needs to be slapped in the face with this kind of harsh reality? She HATES harsh reality! She likes to pretend! Ignore the truth! Rationalize!

Treats

Halloween’s supposed to be FUN, isn’t it?

Damned calculator.

BOOOO!!!!!

Since Buff has had the flu, there are Saltines in the house.

When there are no Saltines in the house (which is most of the time since Buff has been low-carb for some time), Bunny doesn’t even think about them.

But as soon as the Saltines cross the threshold, an alarm goes off in her head. She quickly finds an excuse to accidentally make sure there’s some I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter in the house, and the next thing you know, Bunny is munching on a stack of Saltine and pseudo-butter sandwiches. And then another stack. And another.

At least she’s using pseudo-butter, right? We’ll get into that argument about butter, margarine, and all the pseudos in a future post. Personally, we have a feeling butter-butter is better. But not a whole vat.

Or what about Hebrew National salami? That’s a great alternative! 43 Saltine and salami sandwichettes is a fantastic dinner!

This is a strange and powerful phenomenon that Bunny truly seems to be unable to control. Moderation doesn’t have a chance here.

Why is that?

If there’s ice Cravingcream in the house, she’ll eat it. Period.

She loves loves loves vanilla ice cream and fresh peaches! And she buys low-carb ice cream. Healthy, right? Again, we’ll “weigh” the benefits and evils of low-carb or sugar or fat ice cream versus the real thing in another post. In any case, a half-gallon of any of them every three days doesn’t qualify as healthy.

Cookies aren’t safe in her house, either. (Except Fig Nasties. They’re as safe as a baby in its mother’s arms. They could sit there until they ferment, spontaneously combust, or disintegrate into nasty fig preserves and she’d never go near them. She’s not without standards.)

We can’t figure out why these particular foods have this evil power over Bunny. It’s not because they’re salty; she can pass on popcorn (sometimes) and pretzels (usually), no problem. It’s not the sugar, because a pie or a box of candy can sit in the kitchen until it rots (unless it’s an apple pie or involves chocolate), and she won’t give it a second look. (Except fudge. Oh, boy. Fudge is at the TOP of the must-eat list.)

If these trigger foods or whatever you want to call them aren’t in the house, she doesn’t miss them a bit.  If they’re there, they sit in the kitchen and call to her.

Bunny…oh, Bunny… come here…you know you want it…

And there she goes.

Every time.

Without fail.

And certainly without control.

Why is that???

Do It Now!

October 18, 2009

OK, this post is going to be kind of depressing. We’re sorry, but Bunny has something she wants to say.

Bunny has been heavy since she was a child. There’s an endless list of things she would like to have done, but didn’t, because she was heavy. It made her painfully shy. She never went to a high school dance. She doesn’t go into the hot tub with her friends on vacation because she doesn’t want to put on a swimsuit. She has always had to settle for clothes that fit, missing out on clothes that look cute.  Nothing short. Nothing sleeveless.  She grew up in the 60’s. Go-go boots and miniskirts? Yeah, right.Beach

She has gotten down to “normal” weight twice in her life, both as an adult, once on Weight Watchers and once on Adkins. And it was awesome. She felt fantastic! She loved buying cute clothes. She jumped into the ocean with her friends. Pool parties? Bring ’em on! It was an incredibly liberating feeling to not have to expend energy worrying about covering up, sucking in, and what people were thinking. She was more outgoing, more relaxed, less inhibited, just happier.

Then it all came back.

Well, she’s at it again. And it’s different at this age. It’s a lot harder. It’s also more urgent. At this age, you’re staring down the barrel of pains in your knees, feet and back, as well as some pretty nasty medical conditions that are caused or exacerbated by overweight. Even snoring, for God’s sake!

At the same time, it’s harder to get motivated. And if all that isn’t enough, the aging body doesn’t cooperate like it used to. Everything gets slower and less efficient and less springy and creakier and droopier and more tired.

So here’s a heartfelt piece of advice from Bunny in her 50’s to any bunnies who are reading this and are under 40.

DO IT NOW!!!!!

Champagne and Pepperoni

October 14, 2009

It’s Buff and Bunny’s wedding anniversary. They’ve been married quite a while.Toast

Normally, they go out to dinner to a nice restaurant. Maybe a steak house like Morton’s or Ruth’s Chris. If they’re in the right corner of the globe, they seek out their favorite steak house, Mastro’s. If they’re in the mood to be stuffed like a sausage with voluminous but incredibly yummy Italian, they do Maggiano’s. Once in a while they even go back to the place where they were married. Sweet. But they always celebrate with a nice dinner.

Well, not this time.

Remember that flu Bunny concocted to get out of going to the gym a week or two ago? Well, she gave it to Buff. He hasn’t left the house in three days.

So, instead of the dietary challenge presented by a special-occasion dining experience, we have the dietary challenge presented by a husband eating nothing but Campbell’s tomato soup, Saltines–and pepperoni pizza.Pizza

Yes, the sicko wants pizza.

It’s not the stomach flu.

Happy anniversary, Bunny and Buff!

Don’t pig out on the pepperoni.

A Loss, At Last

October 11, 2009

She did it. She went to the gym.

She didn’t use the elliptical. Ms. Worrywort is still afraid of it. She wouldn’t let us hook her up with a trainer. She decided her wounded knee was well enough, so she hopped (oh how we love those bunny references) on the recumbent bike and burned 100 calories.

Before the bike, we spent some time doing yoga stretches on the mat, and bouncing on the exercise ball.

She weighed herself, and we are delighted to announce that we have some weight loss.

Five pounds!Five

Not a tremendous amount in this length of time, but what the hell.

Saving Bunny’s Knees

October 7, 2009

Um…guys?

Hey, Bunny! What’s up?

Well, you know, today’s the day I’m supposed to go to the gym.

Yep, it’s today. When are you going? Before or after work?

Well…

WELL???Worried

Well, I’m just a little concerned. My knee kind of hurts.

Please don’t tell us you’re going to give us another excuse for not going to the gym.

Oh, I’m not trying to get out of it, I just don’t want to aggravate my knee injury. I usually do the stationary bike, since you know the orthopedist told me not to use the treadmill, but the bike could still…

Bunny, your injury was two years ago, and it wasn’t even that bad. We’re sure the doctor didn’t mean you couldn’t use the treadmill for the rest of your life.

Well, I’m just not sure…

OK, hold it right there, Miss Medial Meniscus. Be right back.Googling

  <google google google google google>

OK, Bunny, you’re correct, the bike and the treadmill can be hard on your knee, and we know you did have a legitimate injury (2 years ago, you big baby!), but the elliptical puts far less pressure on it. Just hop on that elliptical, burn 100 calories, weigh yourself, and you’re done. Easy peasy.

Oh, no. I tried the elliptical once, and it was so hard on my legs, I couldn’t do it. I need to build up strength in my legs before I can do that.

OK, let’s work on that. <google google google> Exercises to strengthen your legs, right here. What else?

Well, but I’d have to…I can’t just hop on and…

Bunny. Dear Bunny. You’re a hot mess, you know that? We’ll start slow. This is a process, but we need to get the ball rolling. The longest journey begins with a single step, right? Do you need more cliches, or is that enough?

I just…

OK, look. You’ll go to the gym. We’ll go with you. We’ll figure it out. We’ll ask for help, and we’ll find exercises that you can do that won’t hurt your knee or back or anything. We’ll…

A trainer? I’m not ready for a trainer, I just need to get in and get started on my own. You don’t have to go with me.

Bunny, you’re a lovely person. You’re honest, trustworthy, true-blue, loyal, patriotic, all that good stuff. We’d trust you with our lives. However, when it comes to losing weight and going to the gym, you start dancing like a finalist on So You Think You Can Dance? You spin, you bob, you weave, you dodge, you expend enough energy to light Paris for a week in a mind-boggling effort to avoid going to the gym.

You have an addictive personality. That monster of yours takes over your self-control, you start acting like a completely different person, and we’ve learned that we can’t trust you as far as we can throw you. 

Well, I don’t know if I’d say that…

So here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to take your little worrywort, hypochondriacal self, meniscus and all, to that gym after work today. You’re going to put on your tennis shoes and your stretchy pants and your big T-shirt, grab your water bottle, hop on that elliptical, and do what you can do. We don’t care if you go half a mile an hour. You just need to get in there and get started.  Next time, you’ll be able to do a little more, and the time after that a little more. We’ll keep track of it, and you’ll see that if you just get into a habit of going to the gym regularly, even three times a week, you’ll see how quickly you’ll be able to do more and more. And then you know what will happen, right? You’ll start Shrinking Bunny’s Buns!

But I just don’t know how to…

We know this is hard, but you can do it. We’ll  help you.

Maybe we can wait until my knee…

Tonight. After work. Be there.

TWO HOURS LATER

uh-oh, guys? I just got to work, and realized I walked out of the house without my gym bag.grrrrrrrOh, my God, this woman is going to be the death of me! Is she kidding??? How many flipping excuses can she come up with? I’m gonna throw her freaking gym bag at her if she tries one more… *HEAVY SIGH*

That’s OK, Bunny, we’ll go pick it up for you, and we’ll give it to you when we meet you at the gym.

Oh, that’s a lot of bother. Maybe we should go tomorrow or…

No trouble at all, Bunny. Happy to do it. See you at 5:30.

oh…ok. Thanks.