Would You Walk a Mile for 3 Peeps?

Spring has sprung, and that means the Spring Holidays are upon us. Bunny has friends and relatives who celebrate both Easter and Passover.

The Passover Seder

Nutritionally speaking, Passover is the less challenging of the two for the average dieter. The celebration of the escape of the Hebrews from slavery in Egypt calls for a meal featuring matzos, matzo ball soup, brisket or roast chicken, wine, hard-boiled eggs, an array of desserts that don’t involve yeast, and the inevitable but highly disgusting gefilte fish.

Nutritionists argue that gefilte fish is high in Omega3 fatty acids. We reject any positive statements regarding this hideously ugly dish. Even the name is distasteful.

By the way, why are all the disgusting foods healthy? What’s up with that?

To review, when the Hebrews got out of dodge, they were in a big hurry because the folks were after them with big lamb shanks. When the storm hit, they were all baking bread (every one of them), and they had to leave before the bread had a chance to rise. What happened to all this bread is unclear, but the Hebrews made it out, hallelujah, and their modern-day descendants commemorate these events by eight days of keeping Kosher for Passover (a discipline even more restrictive than garden-variety keeping kosher).

In addition, one unfortunate member of each family spends another eight days (more or less) preparing for and cleaning up after a formal sit-down dinner that involves praying, reclining, reading, searching for hidden matzo, and approximately 23 complete sets of dishes, each of which is supposed to be kept in separate rooms and washed in separate dishwashers.

Or something like that.

An old but still accurate article in the New York Times tells us that, “the traditional Passover seder of gefilte fish, chicken soup with matzoh balls, roast chicken with matzoh-meal stuffing, prune and potato tzimmes, green beans with almonds and sponge cake would provide one diner with 1,938 calories, 94 grams of fat, 23.1 grams of saturated fat, 546 milligrams of cholesterol and 1,859 milligrams of sodium.”

Could be worse.

We were interested to hear that the Obama White House holds a Passover seder. This tradition began as a way for Jewish campaign workers to celebrate the holiday when they couldn’t leave the campaign trail to be with their families. (The traditional “Next year in Israel” became “Next Year in the White House!”) Candidate Obama attended that first seder in a hotel basement, and now the tradition continues at the White House.

Now, let’s talk about Easter.

Christians celebrate the Resurrection, Ascension, all that Good (Friday and otherwise) stuff that occurred on that miraculous weekend a couple of thousand years ago, in many ways. Often there’s a nice dinner. Maybe a brunch.

Like Passover, there are boiled eggs. Unlike Passover, there’s ham.

Ham is not big at Passover.

What’sCookingAmerica.net is a nice website for ideas about what to cook for Easter Dinner. It also includes instructions for boiling the perfect egg, and then how to color it. Take a look.

And then there’s Easter Baskets.

WARNING! WARNING!

Easter baskets, and their sunny little ingredients, are the REAL problem dieters face from the Spring holidays.

Ready for a reality check? Take a look at this happy little calculator from About.com. It tells you how far you’d have to walk to make up for the consumption of your Easter basket favorites. Check this out:

• One Cadbury Creme Egg = 3.1 miles
• 5 Peeps = 1.6 miles
• One small chocolate bunny (1 oz.) OR 25 small jellybeans = 1.4 miles

That’s about 5 jellybeans per half-mile.

Would YOU walk a half mile for the privilege of consuming 5 jellybeans? Or more than 3 miles for one sad little Cadbury Creme Egg?

Would you?

Would Bunny…?

We’ll let you know.

Happy Easter and Chag Pesach Sameach!

Give Me 60 Good Reasons…

Bunny has been doing her exercises every other day, but you know…it’s hard.

It’s hard for her to get to the gym every other day. It’s hard for her to work out when she feels tired or back-achy or fussy or old.

As she is pulling in her abs and pushing her leg skyward for rep #13 of set #3, wondering why she is putting herself through this misery, she needs something to focus on.

Something to motivate her. Something quantifiable.

A list, perhaps, of the benefits she will reap if she keeps on keeping on.

So, in an effort to shut her up assuage her and pump up her motivation, we have searched the internet for a list of benefits Bunny can expect to gain from participating in a regular exercise program.

BusyWomensFitness.com wins the award for the longest list—60 items! That should motivate Bunny for a while. Let’s see what’s here, then we’ll make a shorter Bunny List of the things that will most motivate her.

Exercise Benefit #1…Increased energy:

The right combination of exercise and nutrition creates an hormonal environment conducive to fat loss, increased muscle strength and increased energy. When your body is working at peak efficiency, your energy levels soar.

Everyday things become much easier to do.

We’re not sure how to be sure you have the right combination of exercise and nutrition, and how to tell whether your body is working at peak efficiency, so all we can do is hope Bunny perceives herself as being a tad more energetic. (Fingers crossed.)

Exercise Benefit #2…Increased Self-Esteem

OK, this is a huge benefit, but let’s be honest—this can be accomplished by losing weight, with or without the gym. A size 6 feels better than a size 16, sweaty or not.

Exercise Benefit #3…Increase Mental Focus:

We’ll keep an eye on Bunny for signs of focus.

Exercise Benefit #4…Decreased Risk of a Heart Attack:

Well, gosh, that’s just an excellent reason. Hard to argue with that.

Exercise Benefit #5…Decreased Risk of Osteoporosis:

Really? OK, that’s a good one too.

Exercise Benefit #6…Reduce the Risk of Breast Cancer by up to 60%

Again, hard to argue. We’re very much against breast cancer.

Exercise Benefit #7…Increased Strength and Stamina:

Every physical thing you do becomes easier which is immensely useful in everyday life.

This is a big one for Bunny, so we’re moving that up her list. Some everyday things are hard for her. Like getting out of bed.

Exercise Benefit #8…Reduced Depression:

Not really a problem for Bunny. Having to go to the gym depresses her as much as anything. We’ll keep an eye on her mood, though.

Exercise Benefit #9…Decreased Stress Levels:

Exercise right after work is the perfect natural therapy that can change your mood. You’ll sleep better too!

OK. We’ll watch for that.

Exercise Benefit #10…Well actually, here are another 50 benefits…

Yeah! Here we go!

Improved digestion

Enhances quality of sleep (no fair, that’s a duplicate!)

Adds a sparkle and radiance to complexion (we’re talking about Bunny, not Sandra Bullock, but whatever)

Improves body shape

Tones and firms muscles

Provides more muscular definition (candidly, Bunny doesn’t care if her muscles are well-defined)

Enables weight loss and keeps it off (sure makes it easier, we’ll give you that)

Makes you limber (oh, yeah!  Bunny wants to be more flexible)

Improves endurance (so you can exercise longer?)

Burns extra calories (pass the Lay’s, please).

Improves circulation and helps reduce blood pressure

Increases lean muscle tissue in the body (we’ll trust you on this)

Improves appetite for healthy foods (pass the Lay’s, please) (just kidding) (sort of)

Alleviates menstrual cramps (that ship has sailed)

Alters and improves muscle chemistry (Bunny flunked chemistry)

Increases metabolic rate (does that mean calories burn faster?)

Enhances coordination and balance (good luck…Bunny was born a klutz)

Improves posture

Eases and possibly eliminates back problems and pain (this is a big one for Bunny)

Makes the body use calories more efficiently

Lowers resting heart rate

Increases muscle size through an increase in muscle fibers (Bunny really doesn’t care about big muscles)

Improves body composition

Increases body density (is that good?)

Decreases fat tissue more easily

Makes body more agile (maybe she can take a yoga class again!)

Is the greatest body tune-up (does she need an oil change?)

Reduces joint discomfort (oh, yeah, this is a good one, too)

Improves athletic performance (yeah. right.)

Enriches sexuality (oh, Buff…)

May add a few years to life

Increases your range of motion (is that different from agility?)

Enhances immune system

Improves glycogen storage (glyco-who?)

Enables the body to utilize energy more efficiently

Increases enzymes in the body which burn fat (not sure about enzymes, but burning fat is good)

Increases the number and size of mitochondria in muscle cells (excuse you?!)

Increases concentration of myoglobin (carries oxygen in muscles) in skeletal muscles (if you say so)

Enhances oxygen transport throughout the body (here comes the oxygen transport, C3PO!)

Improves liver functioning

Increases speed of muscle contraction and reaction time (good if someone throws a punch)

Enhances feedback through the nervous system (feedback?)

Strengthens the heart

Improves blood flow

Helps to alleviate varicose veins (those nasty things?)

Increases maximum cardiac output

Increases contractility of the heart’s ventricles

Increases the weight and size of the heart (is that good?)

Improves contractile function of the whole heart (Contractile Function? Is that a fantasy football team?).

Makes calcium transport in the heart and body more efficient.

Whew!

From that impressive list, here’s the short list we’ve created for Bunny, featuring the things that will motivate her in particular:

• Eased back problems and pain (oh yeah, bring it on!)
• Faster weight loss (burning and churning faster will help Bunny’s buns shrink faster!)
• Increased agility (bending and toe-touching, here comes Bunny!)
• Increased energy and stamina (this will help with everyday functions, and not to be picky, but aren’t those the same thing? or are they? maybe not. hmmmm…)
• Increased strength (so she can open a pickle jar without Buff’s help? Their cat is getting pretty heavy…)
• Reduced stress (means a happier Bunny!)
• Improved circulation, all those chemical things about muscles and glycol-goblin and contractions and stuff, and a decreased risk of all those nasty ailments (just say it’s healthy!)

We’re gluing this list to Bunny’s gym bag!

.

Hop To It!

So Bunny is sick and tired and achy and whiny and doesn’t want to go to the gym.

Poor Bunny.

NOT!

Oh, hell, no, Bunny, you’re not getting away with that! Going to the gym is a routine. You need to stick with it, even if you’re sick and tired and generally unmotivated.

I’m not unmotivated! I’m sick!

Stop whining, you’re not really sick. Some days are harder than others. You just need to do it!

It’s about commitment! Go even though your stomach is upset! Go even though your back hurts! Go even if you’re too tired!

Go! Go! Go!

Why? Why? Why?

Why?

Oh.

Well, there are lots of good reasons.

Name 153.

How should we know? Do we look like fitness experts?

Fine. <google google google>

OK, here are some great reasons to go to the gym even if yoy don’t feel like it:

1. Sticking to the routine is important.

It’s just one day. I’ll go tomorrow…well, no I won’t, I have a doctor’s appointment, but I’ll go the next day.

You’re supposed to go every other day. You have to go the next day anyway.

See? What’s the difference? It’s just one time.

2. It’s easier to stay on the turnip truck than to climb back on once you have fallen off.

Turnip truck?

3. Exercise will make you feel less tired, not more.

Who sold you THAT line of bull?

4. Drink lots of water. That will help make you less tired.

I’m drinking water and I’m still tired.

5. You’ll be glad you went once you’re through.

That’s the first thing you’ve said that makes sense.

6. If you go today, you don’t have to go tomorrow.

I CAN’T go tomorrow, I have to go to the doctor. I’m gaining nothing here.

7. If you don’t go, you’re only cheating yourself.

Oh, puh-leeeeeze…..

Oh, Bunny, stop fighting it and JUST GO!!!

See how you feel!

Give it a chance!

.

Bunny?

Too Pooped to Hop

Bunny feels lousy.

She’s very tired.

She woke up with a sore back, and it’s not any better.

Her tummy is a little upset.

She’s supposed to go to the gym today.

She really doesn’t feel like it.

REALLY Really.

It’s not a motivation thing. She feels puny.

Not horribly hideously sick.

No fever.

Not vomititious.

Just puny.

And tired.

She really doesn’t think she can do her workout.

She IS a little nauseated.

And her back hurts.

She doesn’t have enough energy to make the phone calls she has to make.

She wants to curl up in a ball and go to sleep.

Maybe she should go home sick?

<yawn>

Maybe if she just puts her head on her desk for a minute…

What Bunny Has Learned at the Gym

Bunny has been dutifully reporting to the gym every other day to do the routine prescribed by her physical therapist. Much has been revealed to her in these visits.

Speaking of things being revealed, let’s start in the locker room:

Locker Room Etiquette

Some people are more comfortable than others being naked in public.

Example: When Bunny walked into the locker room one day, she passed a naked lady blow-drying her hair. When Bunny returned to the locker room after her warm-up, the unclad blow-dryer was still at it. Half an hour of naked blow-drying? Half an hour?? What is she, Rapunzel? No, this was a regular woman with regular hair. Seriously, not to be judgmental, but what’s the goal here–blowing, or showing?

Casual conversation is harder when one person is naked.

Don’t forget what locker your stuff is in. Or the combination.

Personal Space

People don’t care what you’re doing. They’re busy worrying about what they’re doing. This is true as long as you don’t invade their personal space. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if they invade yours.

Example 1:  A man stepped over Bunny as she lay on her mat face-down, to fetch a mat of his own. (Didn’t realize stepping over people was OK, but live and learn. HEY! WATCH THE HAND!)

Example 2: A mom and dad brought their toddler to the gym, and before taking him to the day care center, they sat him on a mat and cooed while he played with an exercise ball. Bunny thought that was kind of cute (if a tad noisy)…until the little darling pushed the ball into her face. OW!

Example 3: When Bunny was doing her mat exercises, laying on her side, she heard someone pick up an exercise ball behind her and start to use it. When she turned around, she was somewhat alarmed to discover that the ball was uncomfortably close to her mat. A man in walking shorts, a belt, a polo and walking shoes (read: not a regular gym-goer) was rolling around on the ball like a cat in heat.

As he barely saved himself from falling for the third time, Bunny wondered what would happen if he rolled off that ball on top of Bunny. It seemed like a real possibility. She considered moving, but there were no free mats. Continuing her exercises and hoping for the best, Bunny wondered what would happen if he kicked her and knocked her unconscious.

Bunny is a worrier. She thinks about these things.

Would the health club personnel even know who the unconscious lady bleeding on the mat was? How? No one knows her, her membership card is in her locker, and they have no way to track what locker she’s in.

Would they call Buff? How? If they don’t know who she is, they sure don’t know who he is. Would Buff come looking for her? Sure, eventually, but Buff doesn’t even know she’s here. What would happen then?

You don’t hear about the dangers that lurk at the gym. Clearly, this is a risky place to be. Maybe she should never go to the gym again?

Or maybe she should have a T-shirt made with her name, locker number and emergency contact information clearly displayed on her chest, just in case she loses consciousness due to an injury inflicted by a clueless fellow exerciser?

No, other people don’t do that…that would be weird. What to do? hmmmmm.

What rep am I on?

You Can Do It!

Every workout is different, even if you’re doing the same routine.

Keep breathing. For some reason, Bunny catches herself holding her breath while doing mat exercises. Breathing is a good idea.

Put a towel over the mat. Lord knows how many sweaty people have been there before you, and they probably don’t clean those things very often. And what about the floor? How often do they shampoo the carpet? This is actually pretty unsanitary. Ewww…. What rep am I on?

It’s easier than you’d think to fall off a treadmill. ‘Nuf said.

Did we mention hydrating?

Tucking an iPhone into the water bottle holder on a bike can wreak (reek? wreek?) havoc with the heart monitor on the machine, potentially sending someone of the worrywort (worrywart?) persuasion into a fit of hypochondria. Leave the phone in the car.

Spin classes are noisy and distracting.

It’s better to go than to not go.

Even if you want to slash your wrists in mid-workout, you’ll feel good about going once you get out of there.

If Bunny can do it, so can you!

Darn You, Slowly!

When we last saw Bunny, she was at the gym for the first time in some time, and she was feeling uncomfortable, out of place, lost (literally) , incompetent, insecure, stupid and conspicuous.

And fat.

After completing her 10-minute warm-up on a recumbent bike, she was ready to attempt to do the exercises her physical therapist had prescribed. After asking the front desk for directions 9 or 10 times (well, maybe 3), and walking up and down stairs from this building to that (does this count as part of the workout?), Bunny finally settled on a mat that suited her fancy.

Well, at least she didn’t hate it.

The mat was quite small and had a hole in one end. For a moment, she wasn’t sure it was a mat. The mats at the other gym she went to were 2 inches thick and 3 times this size. Maybe it’s a pad for a treadmill? or one of those things the Mythbusters use to protect themselves from explosions? or one of those things they drape across you when you’re getting an X-ray? No, there’s a guy doing leg extensions on one. OK, it’s either a mat, or if it’s not, at least she won’t be the only idiot.

There weren’t many people in the general area, which pleased her. Her ideal would have been to have the building evacuated so that her improper form and inevitable huffing would go unobserved, but she thought this was the best she could do.

She draped her towel over the mat and lay down on her back. Happily noting that the fish was now out of sight, she pulled out her exercise cheat sheet and reviewed the instructions for–

THE FIRST EXERCISE:

1. Lie on back with ___ knee straight and the other knee bent as shown. (Bunny is very literal, and doesn’t much like blank lines in instructions, but this one was pretty obviously left or right. She knew she was supposed to do both. 15 reps on each leg.)

2. Keep the leg completely straight, then raise it about ___ inches. (Another blank line. Now she had to guess. 2 inches? 22 inches? She decided to do what was in the picture and straighten her leg in the air.)

3. Hold ___ seconds and slowly lower. (Oh, poo. How the heck did she know how long to hold it? 2 seconds?)

Oh, look, there are 2 notes in the margin:  “L’s” and “up down in out.”

Bunny had done these exercises in the therapist’s office, but she didn’t remember every detail. She remembered the therapist counseling her to keep her leg very low to the mat on the “in and out” part. The purpose of this was clearly to make the exercise even more difficult and unpleasant.

She made her best guess at what she was supposed to do, assumed the position, and did it.

Slowly.

She tried to hold the position for 2 seconds when she reached the “up” and “out” points. That didn’t go well, and by rep 3 it was down to one second.

She considered doing the whole thing faster, but she knew how she was supposed to do it.

Slowly.

That’s what really gets you.

It would be easy to do it fast.

Slowly makes you feel the stretch, feel the burn, feel the weight of your leg, feel hatred for the jerk who is making you do this, feel everything.

Bunny’s muscles were burning, and her leg was not happy when she completed the 15 reps. The other leg didn’t like it much either.

She knew that would make her therapist happy. When she had told him her muscles were burning, he had said “you’re welcome.”

Next!

THE SECOND EXERCISE:

1. Lie on back with __ leg bent as shown.

2. Tighten buttocks and raise them (them? buttocks is a them? aren’t they an it? maybe not) off floor as high as you can.

3. Keep pelvis level. (Huh? What does that mean? Does she raise it/them as high as she can, or keep her pelvis level? Which is it? Level with what?)

4. Hold ___ seconds (Bunny decided to try 2 seconds again), then slowly relax (slowly even makes relaxing harder).

Darn you, slowly!

This one was not too terrible. She wasn’t 100% sure she was doing it correctly (that level pelvis thing threw her), but she tried to imitate the drawing, and then again, how far off could she be? Her muscles were surely feeling something.

THE THIRD EXERCISE:

1. Lie on belly (uh-oh, fish up) with pillow positioned as shown (what pillow? she was supposed to bring a pillow?)

2. Raise ___ leg off floor (left, right, got it).

3. Hold ___ seconds, slowly relax. (Let’s be bold and try 3 seconds.)

The note in the margin said “don’t roll hips.” Bunny remembered that she was to raise her leg without bending the knee, and that she wasn’t to raise it more than a few inches. But she was to keep her hips in place. She could see that it would be quite easy to roll her hips, so she attempted not to do so. She was confident she knew what to do here.

This one wasn’t so horrible either, but by this time she was pretty perspiry. She made a mental note to bring a bottle of water next time.

Now what?

THE FOURTH EXERCISE:

1. Lie on side with __ leg on top. (Hey, left side of the room, look at the stupid fish on that fat lady’s T-shirt!)

2. Bend lower leg slightly.

3. Raise top leg straight up, without letting it come forward.

4. Hold ___ seconds, slowly relax. (2 seconds again. Whatever.)

Notes in the margin said “keep leg back behind you, hips rolled forward.” Another obvious attempt to make it more difficult. (It worked.)

Bunny remembered her therapist showed her how to “roll” her hips forward and make sure the leg she was raising and lowering stayed behind her. She did the first 2 reps, didn’t feel anything, readjusted, and obviously found the correct position, because she felt it. Oh boy, did she feel it.

OWWWW!!!

Not an injury ow, more of a I-hate-you-for-making-me-do-this-and-if-I-have-to-do-one-more-rep-my-leg-will-fall-off kind of an ow. Her leg was screaming for mercy by rep 15.

Then she flipped and did it on the other side.

OWWWW!!!!!!!!!

SLOWLY, I HATE YOU!!!

Is this going to be over soon? PLEASE????

THE LAST EXERCISE, THANK GOD:

1. Lie on back holding ___ leg with hands as shown.

2. Straighten the knee as far as you can, keeping your other leg straight on the floor.

3. Hold 1-2 seconds (sure, NOW he tells her how long to hold it).

Back on her back, tired, sore, sweaty and just wanting to get out of this godless, soulless torture chamber go home, Bunny grabbed her thigh. This was not as easy as it sounds, because she’s only incrementally more flexible than a wooden board.

Bunny raised her leg to the sky (more or less, so to speak, sort of) and held it for 1-2 seconds. By the 8th rep, her leg was fine but her arms were screaming for mercy. By rep 12 she couldn’t hold on anymore.

Was this an exercise for her legs or her arms? Is this a trick?

She let go and finished the leg extensions or whatever they were with her arms at her side.

DONE!

Now back to the bike!!

Noooo…can’t we just go home? Please….???

Bunny traipsed back to the room with the bikes, dragged herself onto one that was next to a lady who was reading a book, and started her 10-minute “cool down.” She needed to cool down, all right, and she felt strongly that it made much more sense to do it at the juice bar than on the bike, but she did as she was told.

She turned on the TV bolted to the bike and started channel-flipping in an attempt to find the basketball game she had been watching during her warm-up. After changing 10 or 12 channels, Bunny started to wonder if the lady with her nose in the book was secretly annoyed by her channel surfing. So, she stopped, and stared at a silent infomercial until her 10 minutes were up and she was free to escape back to the real world.

Bunny needs to worry less, get some cojones, and realize that the people at the gym aren’t paying attention to her. If we can get that through her head, we’ll have accomplished something.

Bunny came back two days later to repeat the routine. She was much more comfortable, partly because she knew where to go, and partly because she left the the fish at home. It went reasonably well. She was sore and achy after both sessions, but, well, that’s the point, isn’t it?

Next time, she has to up it to two sets of the exercises on the mat instead of just one.

Oh boy! We’re really looking forward to that!

You Haven’t Been to the Gym in a While, Have You?

Well, she did it. She went back to The Damned Gym.

Since it had been a while, it took some planning.

First, where’s the gym bag?

Found it! So much for that excuse. Great! OK, let’s see what’s inside. Two pair of stretchy pants and a T-shirt. Not sure how long they’ve been rolled up in there, and not wanting to show up at the gym in wrinkly pants that are too small, Bunny tossed them in the laundry and threw in a fresh T-shirt and a pair of nice, friendly, loose black pants she knew would work. Bunny is too big and way too old for those cute little stretchy haltery toppy things.

Shoes? Check.

Socks? There’s one. hmmm…where did she put the little white socks? hmmm…. oh, there’s one. OK, unfortunately we have everything we need.

Gym bag and workout routine safely in the car, off she went to work. It was a pretty difficult day, and Bunny toyed with the possibility of skipping the workout. Maybe she could do it tomorrow instead? To keep to the every-other-day schedule her physical therapist had threatened her with strongly recommended, she would have to do it again on Saturday. No, she knew she would kick herself if she had to go to the gym after work Friday night. Friday night is for going out to dinner, not exercising. It was bad enough she had to ruin her blessed Saturday.

So, headache and all, after work, Bunny headed for the gym. After some discussion at the front desk about her membership, what an old keycard she had, and wow, she must not have been here in a while, Bunny headed off to the locker room.

Bunny is just not comfortable at the gym. We know that if she would just get into a routine, she would be, but the fact is that she is not. She’s intimidated. Everyone is thinner and fitter than her. It’s a fact that every single person in there goes to the gym every single day. They’re all looking at her wondering what she’s doing here, how she got in that condition, and why she’s even bothering. She’s sure of it.

So, she meekly puts on her workout clothes. Pulling the T-shirt out of her bag, she discovers that her nice, sedate, don’t-look-at-me black Virgin Islands T-shirt has a huge orange fish on the back.

How embarrassing.

Something else for people to mock her about.

Maybe she should just go home?

No, she would have to hide it as best she could. She grabbed a towel and tossed it not so casually over her shoulder, making every attempt to hold the towel in a way that covered the monstrous orange fish.

Bunny went to the room where she knew the treadmills were. There they were. OK, the recumbent bikes must be here too. hmmm… ellipticals. Those Stair-Stepper things. No bikes? What the heck?

Maybe she should just go home?

She went to the front desk. Feeling like an idiot, she asked the 20-year-old size-zero blonde where she could find the recumbent bikes.

Oh, you haven’t been here in a while, have you?  The bikes are in the next building, just outside the spin room.

Bunny’s gym is in an office complex that has three buildings. It wasn’t designed to be a gym, and as they have expanded, they have opened rooms in other buildings. You have to go outside. So, she did. She found the next building. She tried to open the door. Locked. She walked around the building. No entry. No lights on.

Is this a trick?

Maybe she should just go home?

Feeling like even more of an idiot, she walked back to the front desk and asked Ms. Size Zero what she was missing.

Oh, we’re so sorry! It’s up one level. Just go outside and up the stairs, then turn left and there you are.  You haven’t been here in a while, have you?

So, Bunny finally found the recumbent bikes. There were eight of them. She chose one far away from two women who were chatting on neighboring bikes, but not so far away that it was obvious she was trying to stay away from them. She didn’t want any trouble.

She hopped on, adjusted the seat, put her feet under the straps on the pedals, started to pedal, decided that she wasn’t comfortable with the position her feet were in, put her feet on top of the straps instead, and pushed the button.

It asked her how long she wanted to ride.

10 minutes, thank you.

What level?

One. Definitely one.

Then it asked her how much she weighs.

EXCUSE ME?????

This is a warm-up! She’s supposed to pedal slowly so as not to hurt her not-quite-recovered knee, for 10 minutes, and not worry about how fast she goes. She wasn’t about to type in her weight. The guy on the Stair-Steppy thing in the row behind her is watching every move the fat old lady with the big orange fish on her back is making, and she’s not going to tell him her weight. No way!

Maybe she should just go home?

She managed to cancel the request, and the nosy bike allowed her to proceed with her warm-up.

She pedaled for ten minutes. She looked around to see who was watching her. They were being sneaky about it. The two women were still chatting, and a guy a few machines away kept saying “SHHHH!” They kept chatting. She hoped there wasn’t a rumble.

Pedaling reasonably happily, Bunny flipped through the channels on the TV mounted atop her bike (nice!), making a mental note to bring earphones next time.

She kept adjusting her towel to make sure it was covering the stupid fish.

As she progressed toward the end of her 10-minute warm-up, she looked around to see where she could go to find a mat for the next part of her routine. She saw three mats. All were in use.

Maybe she should just go home?

She stepped off the bike and walked outside and back to the front desk in building one. Giving up on feeling idiotic, now she was just annoyed. She asked the skinny bitch her helpful new friend where she could find a mat on which to do her floor exercises.

Oh, sure! There are mats in the room with the bikes, outside the spinning room, some more in the room upstairs in this building, just go up the stairs, turn left and kind of look to the right, or there are more in the room downstairs in the basement, but it’s the second room on the right, not the third room on the left, which does have mats, but there’s going to be a yoga class in there soon, so don’t go in there.

You haven’t been here in a while, have you?

Maybe she should just go home.

The Damned Gym. Again.

Bunny has been having some problems with her knee. About a week ago, it decided to start generating fluid.

Swollen knees and ankles is not a feeling Bunny enjoys. And, since she couldn’t connect it to any specific event, her hypochondria kicked in. As more and more hideous maladies hopped in and out of her fertile imagination, she decided to pay a visit to her friendly neighborhood orthopedist.

She thought about going to her regular doctor, but decided on the orthopedist based on very logical and scientific reasoning. Her orthopedist wouldn’t weigh her.

Bunny’s diagnosis was a garden-variety inflammation, caused by any combination of new shoes, a lot of walking on her vacation, her weight (doctors always have to bring it back to that!), weak knees, an unidentified injury, Obama’s health care plan, the California budgetary crisis, and the coming of the vernal equinox.

At the orthopedist’s behest, she went to physical therapy, where the nice man advised her that she has insufficient strength in her knees (and pretty much everywhere else). She was not surprised.

He prescribed a course of exercises.

Guess where she has to do them?

Yep, you guessed it.

Bunny’s going back to her favorite place.

The Damned Gym.

Bunny does not like going to the gym. Her favorite exercise is Gym Avoidance.

We’ve been through this before. Last time it was the other knee. As a lazy woman of a certain age who is overweight and uses her gym membership approximately once per millenium, of COURSE she has some issues with her knees. They’re working really hard. Who can blame them for complaining once in a while?

Bunny is scheduled to report back to therapy in two weeks. In the interim, her assignment is to hit the gym and do a very specific course of exercises. She is to try very hard to do this seven times.

That’s every other day. Ugh.

The routine starts with ten minutes on the recumbent bike, followed by one set of six exercises (15 reps each) designed to strengthen the areas that directly affect her injured knee. Then ten more minutes on the bike. After two sessions, she is to up it to two sets. After two more sessions, it goes to three sets.

An injured knee. Ice, she thought. Advil. Rest. Perhaps elevation. Maybe a nice massage?

What did she get?

The gym. Ugh.

OK, let’s see how this goes.