Too Pooped to Hop

Bunny feels lousy.

She’s very tired.

She woke up with a sore back, and it’s not any better.

Her tummy is a little upset.

She’s supposed to go to the gym today.

She really doesn’t feel like it.

REALLY Really.

It’s not a motivation thing. She feels puny.

Not horribly hideously sick.

No fever.

Not vomititious.

Just puny.

And tired.

She really doesn’t think she can do her workout.

She IS a little nauseated.

And her back hurts.

She doesn’t have enough energy to make the phone calls she has to make.

She wants to curl up in a ball and go to sleep.

Maybe she should go home sick?

<yawn>

Maybe if she just puts her head on her desk for a minute…

My Dog Ate My Weight Watchers Card

Bunny’s week of eating out has left her, well, fulfilled. Not in a good way.

You know what we mean.

That scale is not going to bring joyful news this week.

Now, we know that that’s OK. As long as she hops back on the train (and she did) and starts back in the right direction (and she is), it’s all good.

But Bunny doesn’t want to step on the scale.

Initiate Excuses Sequence!

I don’t have time.

I’m too tired.

I have to work late.

I have to make stuffing.

My cat will be lonesome if I don’t go right home.

I forgot my Weight Watchers book.

I have to catch up on my soap opera.

I have to plant roses.

I have to lay down sod.

I have to wash my car.

yada yada yada

Fear not, Ms. Bunny will be at Weight Watchers tonight, and will be weighed, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, for fatter or for … no, it’s going to be fatter.

She was travelling last week and missed, so there will be no dilly-dallying, fiddle-fadding, hiding under the bed, running for cover, or excuses of any kind.

Anybody got a cattle prod we can borrow?

Saving Bunny’s Knees

Um…guys?

Hey, Bunny! What’s up?

Well, you know, today’s the day I’m supposed to go to the gym.

Yep, it’s today. When are you going? Before or after work?

Well…

WELL???

Well, I’m just a little concerned. My knee kind of hurts.

Please don’t tell us you’re going to give us another excuse for not going to the gym.

Oh, I’m not trying to get out of it, I just don’t want to aggravate my knee injury. I usually do the stationary bike, since you know the orthopedist told me not to use the treadmill, but the bike could still…

Bunny, your injury was two years ago, and it wasn’t even that bad. We’re sure the doctor didn’t mean you couldn’t use the treadmill for the rest of your life.

Well, I’m just not sure…

OK, hold it right there, Miss Medial Meniscus. Be right back.

  <google google google google google>

OK, Bunny, you’re correct, the bike and the treadmill can be hard on your knee, and we know you did have a legitimate injury (2 years ago, you big baby!), but the elliptical puts far less pressure on it. Just hop on that elliptical, burn 100 calories, weigh yourself, and you’re done. Easy peasy.

Oh, no. I tried the elliptical once, and it was so hard on my legs, I couldn’t do it. I need to build up strength in my legs before I can do that.

OK, let’s work on that. <google google google> Exercises to strengthen your legs, right here. What else?

Well, but I’d have to…I can’t just hop on and…

Bunny. Dear Bunny. You’re a hot mess, you know that? We’ll start slow. This is a process, but we need to get the ball rolling. The longest journey begins with a single step, right? Do you need more cliches, or is that enough?

I just…

OK, look. You’ll go to the gym. We’ll go with you. We’ll figure it out. We’ll ask for help, and we’ll find exercises that you can do that won’t hurt your knee or back or anything. We’ll…

A trainer? I’m not ready for a trainer, I just need to get in and get started on my own. You don’t have to go with me.

Bunny, you’re a lovely person. You’re honest, trustworthy, true-blue, loyal, patriotic, all that good stuff. We’d trust you with our lives. However, when it comes to losing weight and going to the gym, you start dancing like a finalist on So You Think You Can Dance? You spin, you bob, you weave, you dodge, you expend enough energy to light Paris for a week in a mind-boggling effort to avoid going to the gym.

You have an addictive personality. That monster of yours takes over your self-control, you start acting like a completely different person, and we’ve learned that we can’t trust you as far as we can throw you. 

Well, I don’t know if I’d say that…

So here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to take your little worrywort, hypochondriacal self, meniscus and all, to that gym after work today. You’re going to put on your tennis shoes and your stretchy pants and your big T-shirt, grab your water bottle, hop on that elliptical, and do what you can do. We don’t care if you go half a mile an hour. You just need to get in there and get started.  Next time, you’ll be able to do a little more, and the time after that a little more. We’ll keep track of it, and you’ll see that if you just get into a habit of going to the gym regularly, even three times a week, you’ll see how quickly you’ll be able to do more and more. And then you know what will happen, right? You’ll start Shrinking Bunny’s Buns!

But I just don’t know how to…

We know this is hard, but you can do it. We’ll  help you.

Maybe we can wait until my knee…

Tonight. After work. Be there.

TWO HOURS LATER…

uh-oh, guys? I just got to work, and realized I walked out of the house without my gym bag.Oh, my God, this woman is going to be the death of me! Is she kidding??? How many flipping excuses can she come up with? I’m gonna throw her freaking gym bag at her if she tries one more… *HEAVY SIGH*

That’s OK, Bunny, we’ll go pick it up for you, and we’ll give it to you when we meet you at the gym.

Oh, that’s a lot of bother. Maybe we should go tomorrow or…

No trouble at all, Bunny. Happy to do it. See you at 5:30.

oh…ok. Thanks.

Gym–or House of Horrors?

Bunny seems to be on the mend from her latest attempt to avoid going to the gym bout with the flu.  Clearly we’re going to have to extend our get-to-the-gym-or-else deadline.

Bunny’s husband, Buff, goes to the gym when he has the flu. He swears it makes him feel better. Buff doesn’t miss the gym for anything. There’s a certain level of addiction there.

These people have issues.

Let’s face it–who doesn’t?

So let’s spend a minute considering why Bunny hates going to the gym.

It requires organization, especially if you have a job. If you go on the way to or from work, you have to figure out what to do with your clothes. If you’re a girl, you have to take makeup and goop with which to make your hair all nice and fluffy (or straight or spiked, or whatever you do with it). You must remember your gym card, your bag, your water, your iPod and your headphones. You must figure out how and when to squeeze the visit in to your day, especially if you’re attending a class. You may have to plan to get up early, in which case, how does breakfast fit in? And coffee? So many considerations. Clearly, going to the gym is an organizational nightmare.

You have to wear gym clothes in front of people. That’s great if you’re a size 6. Not the case here. Oh, and shower in front of perky young women who go to the gym every day? With this body? I don’t THINK so. (It’s a fact, you know, that everyone else in the gym with you comes every single day. You’re the only slacker.)

And what about those other people? What does that ridiculously buff chick on the next treadmill who’s running 400 mph at maximum elevation think about your 2.8 mph at elevation 1? She’s burning 94,000 calories a second while it takes you 20 minutes to burn 100.  Is she mocking you? Is she wondering why you’re bothering? Does she think you’re going to fall off the treadmill? These possibilities are quite stressful.

What to do when you get there? A class is not a great choice because it’s hard to stop in the middle. Machines are good because you can completely control your activity level, and whenever you want you can pretend that you’ve completed an exhaustive workout. But make sure to watch the people who were there when you sat down. You can always pretend that your 10 minutes on the treadmill were just the warm-up for your “real” exercise program. Just say something to yourself (but loud enough to be heard) along the lines of, “Ah, that’s a great start. On to the elliptical!” Then walk in the general direction of the ellipticals. If you’re afraid they’re still watching, mumble something about going to the restroom, walk that way, then run toward the exit. They’ll never be the wiser!

And the worst is Buff’s friends. He’s there every morning. He teaches classes there. He practically owns the place! They’re there every morning. They all know Bunny, and they’re all very nice people. But if she’s in the gym, it’s a major event. “Hey, look, Bunny’s in the gym! It must be a blue moon! Buff’s tubby wife actually got her butt to the gym! Wow!” It’s a bigger deal than when Britney shows up. Last time she was there in the morning, about 5 of them commented that she looked like she was treadmilling in her sleep.

Great way to fade into the wordwork.

OK, so we’ve confirmed that Bunny has issues. She’s disorganized, embarrassed and intimidated. Maybe a bit lazy. And possibly paranoid, but we’re not mental health professionals.

How do we fight all that?

The funny thing is, she knows very well that when she does go, she feels great about it. It helps with her diet, because she doesn’t want to blow the effort on unnecessary calories. She feels productive. She feels healthier. She feels, yes, good about herself!

So why does she fight it like a mama bear defending her cub from a  mountain lion?

We have no idea.

Do you?

That Excuse Just Flu Out the Window

We’re not sure how she pulled it off, but Bunny has the flu.

We’re certain that this is an elaborate device to wiggle out of our get-to-The-Damned-Gym-by-Wednesday-or-else ultimatum.

She’s managed to cook up a 102F temperature. We saw the thermometer. She’s not holding it up to the light like that kid in ET, either. Her eyes are all puffy and drippy, she’s got the congestion thing. and she sounds like a cross between Tallulah Bankhead and Kathleen Turner. There’s clear evidence that her normal bodily functions are not functioning normally.

This reminds us of the time when Bunny and Buff were vacationing with her parents.  (They used to do that, isn’t that nice? now, sadly, Mom and Dad are too old.) Buff wanted to go to Hawaii, but Bunny, Mom and Dad pushed for Bermuda. They flew to DC, then went to board a flight to Bermuda.

There was a hurricane between the mainland and Bermuda.

The fight was cancelled.

They stayed in a hotel and tried again the next day.

Hurricane.

No go.

Guess where they ended up?

Hawaii. Where Buff wanted to go all along.

How did he do that?

To this day, we’re certain that Buff caused that hurricane. And now Bunny comes up with the flu just to keep from going to the gym.

You people are tricky, but you’re not fooling us. I’m just saying.

Trick or not, get well soon, Bunny. Take aspirin and hydrate. Maybe you’ll even lose a pound or two.

That would be fantastic!!!

The Damned Gym

Bunny, we need your full and complete attention.

You need to get to The Damned Gym. You’re making good food choices and healthy decisions and all that crap those good things, but frankly, the cold hard fact is that we don’t see any visual evidence that your numbers are falling.

You need to exercise. Burn more than you consume. Remember, you agreed that 30 minutes three times a week was entirely doable. And yet, you’re still hanging on for dear life to every freaking conceivable excuse known to man or woman to stay away from The Damned Gym.

Stop fighting it!

It’s a GOOD thing!

You actually feel BETTER about yourself when you go!

It’s a nice place. 

They have electricity and running water now.

They changed the carpeting.

They’ve updated the lockers.

Hell, they put TVs on the treadmills and bikes, and you can control the channel!

There’s a view of the flipping ocean!

What the hell else do you want???

Do you know that if you divide your membership fee by the number of visits, each trip to The Damned Gym costs you $84???

So let’s lower the bar. One trip per week. 30 minutes. In The Damned Gym. Every week. Once. 30 minutes. A tiny little half hour. 6 consecutive groups of 5 minutes. 6 songs on your iPod. Then you can run for the hills for 6 whole days.

Do we need to rehash the obvious? Again? Really? Fine.  Among about 4,678 other things, it will:

• make you healthier
• increase your stamina (which by the way is kind of pathetic, from what we’ve observed)
• help you fit into those clothes you want to wear
• MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER!

How about this one:  The nice people who are reading this blog deserve to see results!!!

We’re done pussy-footing around, Missy. You have until next Wednesday to get your butt into The Damned Gym. That’s almost a whole week. Figure it out!

AND DON’T FORGET TO WEIGH YOURSELF!!!

Sheesh.